Everybody Must Get Pixie Cuts

December 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Remember when I got my hair cut before? Well, if my prior attempts at chopping my locks were dips in the baby pool, my current hairstyle is a dive into the deep end*. I went from looking like that crazy Food Network lady to post-HP Hermione. My hair is gone.

And guess what? It’s the best thing ever! Scarcely two weeks in to being nearly bald, I am going to come out with the bold recommendation that everyone cut of all their hair. Seriously, get rid of it. Long hair is for children in beauty pageants and D&D enthusiasts.

1. Easy maintenance. Like, the easiest. My attitude towards beauty regimens is dictated by laziness (cf. my affinity for tinted chapsticks and shaving my legs once a quarter**), so this fits perfectly. Taking a shower is now a matter of minutes. Minutes! Your hair dries on its own and doesn’t usually look weird. You can even use the bottom-shelf, 2-in-1 shamditioner and it will still look okay! (Bonus: you will smell like Suave Ocean Breeze, which is delicious).

2. Hair in your eyes. Hair in your eyelashes. Hair in your food. Hair in your mouth. Hair in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s mouth. All of these are no longer things. Victory!

3. Exercise. Do you do this? You should. And having short hair makes it less painful! You can run without a stupid ponytail and do yoga without hair flopping all over your downward dog. And cleaning up afterwards is easier (see #1). Don’t tell anyone, but you don’t even really have to wash your hair if you don’t want to. No one will notice! Tell them it’s product!

4. Super-cute bedhead. All day err-day.

5. A drastic haircut basically puts you in incognito mode forever. Spot a high school classmate on the train home and don’t feel pausing your audiobook of The Hunger Games to go have an awkward hey-how-are-you? They have no idea who you are, so who cares! Feel free to sit back and observe them casually pick their nose, feeling superior all the while.

6. Okay. I’m hardly qualified to make any statements about outward appearances, but I’m pretty sure that people take short hair more seriously. If you’re a girl, having long hair is the default. It’s pretty, mostly, but unremarkable. Just typical. It’s like a choice of inaction. Short hair, on the other hand, is this crazy breaking away. You did something with it. You’re different! You’re defiant! You don’t own a brush!

Are there downsides? Probably. Since I’m six feet tall and curveless, I am easily mistakable for an adolescent male. Short hair can also imply a kind of Lilith Fair vibe, if you know what I mean (though card-carrying Grace says this is not true, since I can’t do a remotely convincing lesbian nod). And I’ve been told that with my glasses on, I look kind of like Stephen Colbert.

Bottom line, hair grows back. If you hate it, you’re only two years and some awkward semi-mullets away from the way your hair used to look. I’m sure your Dungeon Master will save your space until then.

*This metaphor is especially apropos if you keep in mind that I can’t really swim
**For tax purposes

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