What it is like to be gargantuan
June 4, 2011 § Leave a comment
When I was 13 and around 5′ 7″, my doctor told me I was done growing. 8 years and 4 and a half inches later, I laugh at this. And cry a little.
All you people with legs that don’t shoot out like goddamn stilts from your hip sockets are always cooing enviously and saying things like, “oh, it’s great to be tall!” And I guess it is sometimes. There are definitely advantages to being able to see at concerts and movies and reach your crock pot when you stupidly stored it on the tallest shelf. And apparently tall people end up making more money in their lifetime (although probably not if they major in Medieval Studies, womp womp). Also: height = beauty, theoretically.
The sundry inconveniences, however, outweigh any notional aesthetic advantages. All my pants stop mid-shin, and no one wants to see an awkward gap of pale ankle between hem and high-top. My hamstrings are steely in their refusal to stretch, making downward dog a painful and embarrassing affair. I wore flats to my proms, and the one year I tricked a guy I knew into being my date he had to stand on an incline behind me to fake not being shorter than I was for photos. Airplane seats? Yo, fuck airplane seats.
Not to mention the fact that I don’t get a lot of the other supposed benefits of my evolutionary abnormality, like basketball skills or a squillion-dollar modeling contract. No! I get shinsplints when I try to run and and bruises on my head from hitting it on door jambs. Plus, it’s exhausting to hear people tell you all the time that you are tall. Oh really? I hadn’t noticed that I can see the tops of everyone’s goddamned head from here.
Sigh. Actually, I am exaggerating a lot for comic effect*. In reality I’ve gotten to be okay with gigantism. It makes me incredibly intimidating, which was not so great as a 15-year-old but is awesome now that I’ve figured out how to walk and stand without falling over or looking scarecrow-like. I have killer gams and I don’t exactly hate having this pointed out to me. Who knows, maybe I’ll even try out for a basketball squadron!**
*I’d never do that!
**I’d really never do that!