The Anxiety Diet™

May 2, 2011 § 3 Comments

People, it is not easy to be in the awesome physical shape that I am. After all, I weigh slightly more than a fleshless skeleton and I run a stunning 11-minute mile. You are jealous, I can tell.

But envy no more! Now, for the first time, I’m releasing my Top Secret Life Plan that will keep you looking sallow and sickly til the end of forever!

  1. As for diet, you should probably eat pretty well. I do okay at this, but since I invented this plan I get to do what I want. Eat lots of oatmeal, tea, and eggs. And spinach smoothies with flax seed. The key is to worry constantly about how to afford all the food you consume and how you really shouldn’t buy asparagus to make pizza when there’s a PERFECTLY GOOD half bag of spinach in the fridge that you could turn into something. This burns calories.
  2. Remember, when you do eat a lot or sweet things or a lot of sweet things, you can just offset those by worrying constantly about how they are raising your insulin levels and causing your body to store up fat cells somewhere. It’s science, so it has to be right.
  3. As for exercise, you should probably do yoga, because all that worrying is going to stress you out! Be sure to worry while doing Supta Badda Konasana that your twingeing hip will never get better and your leg will eventually pop out of its socket and fall on the floor.
  4. Cardio’s important too, so go for a run once in a while. But panic that it will be like that one time when you got a stomach ache, nearly passed out, and got covered in hives because you had eaten some celery before lacing up your sneakers. Thinking like this will definitely keep that heart rate up up up!
  5. Mental breaks are also imperative in this plan, so you should try to go to a meditation class. To keep with the program, focus on how your relaxed deep breathing might eventually stop because the raisin you just Ate Mindfully as part of a class exercise might have had traces of peanut dust on it from being near the same bulk bin in Whole Foods and OH GOD IS YOUR THROAT SWELLING UP? HOW ABOUT NOW? OR NOW? Om!
For added effectiveness, I recommend commencing your plan during finals week, and you’ll watch that hair fall right out it do its thing! Results guaranteed or my name isn’t Panic Attack Thornburgh.

§ 3 Responses to The Anxiety Diet™

  • rachel says:

    or. by contrast, the anxiety weight gain:
    -have your boyfriend send you a giant box full of chocolatey things for your birthday. make sure they have an expiration date that is very soon and so must be consumed asap.
    -schedule your 21st birthday (actual birthday) for the drunkest day of the year at school where you’re late if you haven’t started by 8. drink lots of sugary drinks. get anxious about all the papers you have to write. drink more as you say “fuck it!”.
    -make sure your friend bakes you a giant pink champagne cake. eat a lot of it. don’t remember how much you ate, because you are, as i’m sure you’ve guessed, rather drunk.
    -let your friends parents take you out to dinner several times in one week when they all happen to visit that week and omg how can i say no i’m just so popular.
    -be on the food committee and thus required to taste lots of ick things at the dining hall.
    -complain about your weight and then eat lots of leftover passover macaroons to comfort yourself. passover food is negative calories right?

  • kathy says:

    i almost died laughing. though i have to say the studying abroad in paris diet is a pretty good one too. =]

  • […] like me, you’re on the anxiety diet GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); […]

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