The sheet hits the fan

March 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

My bathroom shower has never really worked. I mean, water comes out, but it doesn’t leave until it’s marinated in the bathtub for a while. I’ve tried everything from a bent-up coathanger to a pot of boiling water to good ol’ science-fair baking soda ‘n’ vinegar, but whatever the hell is residing in my pipes will not budge. Ordinarily, I’m like, whatever, and just shower ankle-deep in sudsy, grimy sludge and let it filter away as the day wears on. But today, the hot water was gone. No matter, I thought, cheerily scrubbing away while my teeth chattered. It seemed kind of romantic: young girl enduring adverse water temperature in disgusting bathroom. Isn’t there a line in that Sound of Music song that they left out of the movie about having a “cold-water flat”? I don’t even know what that is, but it seems apropos.

It wasn’t until I was boiling water in an electric kettle to rinse my sinuses (hurr durr, I have allergies) that I realized: I may be a hobo. On its own, not so troubling, I guess. Hobos make a mean stew, and I like stew. But then I discovered this afternoon that my uncleanliness may go deeper, because, um, I didn’t know most people change their sheets once a week. Oops.

Let me defend myself, okay! These are people who probably have 1. convenient access to a laundry machine 2. more than one pair of sheets or 3. both (the bastards). I, on the other hand, spent my first two weeks back in Chicago sleeping on a naked mattress because I was too busy* to Amazon-prime myself some bed linens, and then when I finally did buy them they were California King-Sized, which is like the Plus Size Maternity of sheets, and so I had to return them, which is a bitch and a half, and eventually I got a set of sheets that are kind of purpley-shiny but still comfortable.

Okay, I haven’t washed them yet. But reread the above paragraph. I can’t have owned them for more than like, a month-ish! Plus, it’s not convenient! Sheets are huge and take up at least half a load of laundry and I’d probably have to pay extra to get them all the way dry and the laundromat is so far and there is no need to avoid contact with me I swear.

Then again, this is the girl who was relieved to have an excuse not to shave her legs this morning. Perhaps a little personal space is necessary.

*Or lazy, whatever.


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